Bright dark days

One day the sun came up.

I truly never believed it would.

But it did.

The cloud of darkness still existed inside of me,

Thundering and lighting up with hurt and sadness,

Though one would argue it was the latter that took precedence.

But I knew that one day it wouldn’t feel like this.

So I stepped out to take in some sun,

As the storm continued to rage inside.

What would I tell you?

I sometimes wonder what I would tell you if I met you when you were younger.

Would I hold your hand right at that moment when your heart was going to break, or would I stop you from doing the things that would lead to a lifetime of pain?

On that note, you should perhaps remember that there really is no “lifetime of pain”. I just said it for dramatic effect.

Sometimes there are several flashes of pain, during other days the suffering is prolonged and feels never-ending, but it will.

I wouldn’t say that happiness is fleeting like a butterfly. Instead it’s like a wave, strong on a few days, on others it’s but a ripple. And even though it will recede, remember it always comes back.

So maybe take both with a pinch of salt? Let them shape you, but don’t let them change who you are.

You should however pay attention to the small pockets of peace when life traps you in a flooding cave of emotions. They will keep you alive.

And remember, life is beautiful but can be chaotic, so sometimes you’ll need people to help you stay afloat, hold on to them for dear life. They can be friends, family and a stranger in the airport who offers you water when you’re crying.

But on most days it will just be you.

Hello darling, how are you?

Dear You,

I’m writing with the hope that you’re fine and well, alive enough to read my letter. Alive not just physically, in a way that your heart is beating fine and your organs are working just the way they should. But alive enough to soak in the wonder that is all around you.

So you’ve had your heart broken, wouldn’t really be the first time, would it? Will it be the last? Perhaps. Maybe not.
Don’t sulk, isn’t a broken heart a sign of one that was loved anyway? I didn’t make that up, I read it somewhere.
That’s where I get my wisdom from these days — conversations of strangers, random comments by people on social media and some very old books.
Strange places to find solace, isn’t it? Not the books though, they always find a way to soothe my weary soul.

Sorry, I have a way of losing track.
So, while the world seems like a terrible place to live in, especially now that you’re nursing a broken heart, I want to remind you to be a little more kind to everyone. But you’ll first have to start with yourself.
Allow yourself to cry, and when you feel like you can’t breathe anymore, gently remind yourself that you can, you will and you already are.

Be strong, be kind and be gentle.
Say please, thank you and sorry when you have to.
Wash your feet and face before going to bed.
And remember you might feel broken right now,
But you’ve never been more whole.

New Girl goes to Muscat

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giphy

I really believed that I would never be the new girl again. Not in an office or in anyone’s life. Yes I had decided to remain single and jobless for the rest of my life, but life, apparently, had other plans.
While I spent the last nine months whiling away my life, I barely had any worries. Well, other than that one totally-justifiable fear of a dumbbell falling and crushing me instantly. Yes, tragic indeed. So as I went through life, travelling, eating and upping my stalking skills, little did I know that  my days of joblessness were sadly numbered.
Before I knew it, 28 years of my life were neatly folded, packed and stuffed in three suitcases and one bag. All threatening to burst out, thankfully not doing so. Some tears, a failed attempt at running back home and three hours later I was in a new city, in a new country.
Far, far away from home.
It’s just been a week since I moved here and I’ve realised that life has been crazy, but also exceptionally kind to me in so many ways. But on a few quiet evenings, when the sun is getting ready to set, I think of home. I miss every small annoying detail and I wonder, if three suitcases and one bag are all that I have to show for 28 years of existing. But then I remember that I did leave a dozen other clothes at home, so there obviously is more.
On other days I’m busy practising how to behave like an adult, how to socialise with people and smile, even though I’m panicking six ways to Sunday (or Friday, because #Muscat).
Through all of these ups and downs, I realised that I’m capable of so much more and that I can be anything I want to…
But for now (and for the unforeseeable future)
I am the New Girl.

Back to the future

Dear You,

If I tell you that a year from now you’d quit your job, take a break and travel across the world, would you believe me? Well, maybe you should. Because you’re going to do just that.

2017 could seem like just another year but it will make you brave. You will learn that there is no greater joy than standing up for what you believe in and asking for what you need. And when you realise that love, happiness and peace no longer features on the menu, you will politely move on.

Moving on, however, won’t be easy. It’ll bring with it moments of doubt, sadness and complete chaos. But you don’t have to worry, because it is only when you fall that you learn to look where you’re going. You will understand this soon, but I must tell you, there is no shame in putting yourself first. No shame in leaving behind things and people that no longer make you happy. You are after all your first priority, everything and everyone should come later.

This year, you will learn to be kind and loving to the one person who matters the most – you. It won’t be an easy process, but loving someone never really is. However, you’ll manage to strike up a friendship with yourself and it’ll be the best thing to ever happen.

Don’t ever doubt that you will be loved. You always were, you always will. You might be difficult to love, but not impossible. And there are people who always love a challenge, no?

You must and you will learn to see people for who they really are. Don’t let their judgements cloud you and don’t let harsh words break your spirit. Take a break from toxic people and if the break doesn’t work, cut them out of your life.

This year will bring you closer to people you love a lot but can’t find the means to express it. Hold on to that feeling, it’ll keep you warm.

And while you sit here right now, thinking about how life is going to pan out, I’ll leave you with one last clue. 2017 might keep you at home, but when the year ends, you’ll have to get ready for a new adventure. A fresh beginning, one that involves moving to a new country.

So don’t waste your time worrying about the future, what’s meant to happen simply will. Accept your losses and celebrate your victories, and remember whatever happens you will always be enough for yourself.

Love always,
P

The sense of an ending.

livingstilltumblr.com

I knew it was long overdue. 
But please give me the benefit of doubt, I was, to simply put it… scared. 

So I re-read the chapter. Feeling every word, letting each emotion cut through me. This time, allowing flowers to bloom in deserts and letting rivers (that shouldn’t have been there in the first place) go dry. 
And then, once again, I arrived at the last word and the last punctuation mark of the chapter. 

I had two choices:
1) To re-read all of it again.
2) To move on to the next chapter.

I sat there, unable to fight the tears, running my fingers through the now faded words and memories. In that moment, I met the love that got lost somewhere and all those emotions that were hidden under every full-stop.

But, it was time.
And so,
I turned the page.

Someday over the rainbow. 

What would it be to finally receive some closure?

Would it come to me as an epiphany? Suddenly, like a mid-summer storm, on a holiday across lands and seas? Would it feel like the dark, heavy clouds gave way to some bright sunshine that suddenly lifted the gloom in my life? Of course, you’re not going to answer my questions.

I sometimes impatiently wait for it, just like I once did for you. Heavy with anticipation, eyes not moving from the door for even a second, lest you walk in and I miss that glorious sight. But wait, how is this about you? This is about me and my quest to find some peace for what we once had and what we now do not.

The thoughts in my head, the words that don’t seem to leave me alone and you… all feel like a terrible mix and I can’t seem to contain it anymore. The former find a way to get out, strewn carelessly sometimes through letters and blogs.  But you? You refuse to budge.

It feels like I’m going to war, so I wear an armour to protect myself from thoughts of a happier time. There is no use, because the memories start playing, in bright colours, laughter echoing  while sunlight flitters in and out of your room and you rush to hold me. Then the movie pauses. I pull back the armour on and walk out.

There is no peace now, but someday on the shores of another foreign city when the setting sun gives way to the night, it’ll probably come to me.
Maybe that day I’ll watch that movie without flinching, perhaps I’ll even clap, whistle and cheer when the credits roll.
And maybe that day  I’ll get my closure.

Things you should know.

storm

By MarkovManiac, reddit.com

It always left me unsettled, these short romances that somehow seemed to find me,
Sometimes in cafés of a new city as the rain grew steady,
On rare occasions in streets of a strange land.
Sometimes in the midst of a stormy heartbreak,
When I was desperately trying to hold on to a sinking boat and out of
no where a hand pulled me safely to the shore.

All these loves brought me to life, but eventually tore me apart.
They expected a complete picture, a landscape of bright blue skies,
of flowers and happiness,
That right there was the problem,
Because I was just an abstract piece of art.

Identities.

 

You are not your father.
You are not your mother.
And for better or worse, you will never become them.

You are your own. You might have their laugh, their smile, their ability to make people feel special. Your eyes might look like your theirs, the way you squeak when you laugh might just be like what they do.
You can be like them, but you will never be them.

You should never allow things to damage you.
Not anger, not love and definitely not people.

You are not your father.
You are not your mother.
You are completely, wholly, flawfully, wonderfully you.