It’s been three months and 10 days since you’ve gone. Your absence might not be evident to a new friend. But to ones, whom you’ve grown up with, it stings.
Ma still keeps your share of chapattis, watermelon, grapes and pretty much everything that you loved. There is a little black bird that comes home every morning. She jumps from balcony to balcony. I once woke up to the sound of Ma talking to her, just like she would talk to you. I felt really sad. It broke my already shattered little heart. And now that it’s been proven that, the stupid heart does actually suffer, when something terrible happens, you know you’re to blame, should something happen.
Sometimes, I see mummy, packing extra food in a bag and go to school. I’ve stopped asking her for whom it is. I know it’s for you. I know, she too like us, searches for you in other animals.
You know Jacky, I miss your stupid face at night, early in the morning, in the extremely hot afternoons and the very cool evenings. I miss seeing your face when I come home. You were always such a cheapskate. Always demanding dinner before I got to eat. And ma? She obviously let you eat first.
I hate how everything related to you now, is always in the past tense. Every loved, was, used to, and the likes of it, is a painful reminder of what happened.
I know, that on the sixth of this month, I forgot. I forgot that it was three months, since the last time I saw you puppy. I felt terrible. I told A about it. She said something on the lines of, me remembering your life more than your death. That I relate to your life more, than I do to your passing.
Pappy brings you up in conversations randomly. I’m sure you know that he loves you a lot. He was a strict dad to you, but you know, he gave in to your whims, especially when you would torture him and wake him for your morning walks. He misses you. When Pappy talks about you, he’s either really happy or terribly sad. I just know.
You know little one, I was telling S the other day. How you were that solid link that connected and still continues to connect Annu’s and my childhood together. We’ll grow older and all that, but you will forever remain our stupid sister. You will always be our family’s memory, just the five of us. The one that will dampen our eyes with both sadness and happiness. The memory that will remind us of the wonderful, wonderful time we had with you. Of all the happiness you gave through out your beautiful life.
There are nights I wake up and miss that irritating noise of your nails, when you would walk around the house. We miss every little annoying and adorable habit of yours. Mummy has cleaned your chair and it stills sits in the balcony. I know you’re watching us, I wonder if you miss us.
Jacky, the day after your passing, I came home and gave away all your things. It was such a painful thing to do. But ma kept your jacket, I didn’t know about it, until way later. It still has your fur in it and your smell. I’ve kept it stapled in two covers. It’s my go-to jacket when I’m really really low. I know how possessive you were of that silly jacket, though it never really fit you well.
I don’t like it when your memory stings so bad that I end up crying. You know, I’ve finally learnt to drive my car. You would’ve loved it. It’s way bigger than pappy’s car and way cooler too. You know what that means right? No more fighting with auto-drivers. I think of you when I drive. I think of you when I pass your doctor’s clinic.
We’ve thought of getting a dog home. Mummy is against it. You know her, she loves you too much. She needs some time. Pappy? He’s scared. He can’t see us cry. So he keeps quiet. There are days I think I’m ready for a pet. And then this happens. Lots of tears, calls to Distant Boy, S, A and a really really long blog post.
Jacqueline. I need you to know this. You’re special. You’re loved. And you can never, ever, ever, ever be replaced.
There is not a day that we don’t think of you. My lengthy blog posts must be proof enough. Distant Boy is at a concert somewhere. But he guessed things weren’t fine when I called. I think the weeping gave it away. Damnit. Sigh.
I’ve said pretty much everything I wanted to tell you today. Perhaps, another memory and another blog post.
Until then, bye puppy.
Oh also, I have this photo of ours where I can be seen torturing you.